Author: Halsdoll

Demon’s Souls (Ps3): My Favorite Winter Game

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I am playing Demon’s Souls Remake (Ps5) and Demon’s Souls (Ps3) side by side for fun. Okay, I lied. I only beat the first boss, Phalanx in the first level of the remake. The majority of my time is spent on the Ps3 version. I am not abandoning the remake completely, though. I just don’t know if I will ever finish it.  So far, the atmosphere feels different. I prefer the cinematic opening to the original Demon’s Souls to the remake. The remake makes me feel as if I am about to play a brutal arcade game.  Demon’s Souls was never designed to be difficult just for the sake of being difficult. If you destroy the art, you destroy its meanings. The lines below become meaningless:

On the first day, man was granted a soul and with it, clarity

On the second day, upon earth was planted and irrevocable poison

A soul devouring demon

Of course, I am not here to talk badly about a remake that I have not completed. It’s still a decent game if you don’t mind the new cosmetics look, that is. Clearly, the immersive atmosphere of the game is destroyed. On the positive side, I must say, the gameplay feels fluid to me, and the new soundtrack is not bad. My favorite soundtrack from the new OST is the hero creation menu. However, I still prefer the original soundtrack. I think back in the day, I listened to One Who Craves Souls the most. Does that make me a demon?

This is why I spent more time with the Ps3 version. Revisiting this game made me realize why I liked it so much back then. I still like it. It’s like a pragmatic bible on how to live. If you are not careful, you could lose your soul. You might turn into a servant of the demon, trapped in the nexus for all eternity. Of course, Dark Souls is more of a polished Souls game than Demon’s Souls in terms of world building. And yet, the game is still very endearing to me. The atmosphere of Demon’s Souls has always been quite comforting to me. It feels like I am inside a twisted cathedral. It’s something the remake seems to fail at capturing.

I noticed the Demon’s Souls‘ official guide doesn’t include a map of the levels. It also lacks item locations compared to the other Souls games. I am not complaining, though. I only use a guide as a reference because I like to see a list of armor, weapons, items, and enemies.

The guide gives you enough information on how to play the game and build your character. It also put the walkthrough toward the end of the guide, which makes sense to me. Teach me what I need to know then send me off into the fog. Let me make mistakes and I’ll learn from it. There is also a perfect run walkthrough, but I don’t see the point in it. It’s not fun if you don’t explore things on your own. However, I can see someone doing it for speedrun. There is so much content, but it’s worth every dime.

P.S.

The Demon’s Souls deluxe edition also included the artwork and the original soundtrack for anyone who is curious.

Things that help Me Stay Calm

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anime style Asian girl with glasses reading a book

I like to keep track of the books I want to read on an Excel spreadsheet. This way, I can stay focused. So far, it has been working. I have been reading more. However, I didn’t enjoy checking off a book once I finished reading it. I started to feel like I was on a reading conquest. It was as if I were turning into a dark soul, losing sight of why I was reading. Was I trying to become the Scholar of the First Sin? So, this year I won’t abandon my list, but I will only refer to it when I need a reminder. It helps take off a huge mental load. Also, having books nearby and visible encourage me to pick up a book instead of my phone. Keeping up with current news can be tiring. Everything is just bad news.

I found more solace in books than in following the news, hoping that things would turn out for the better. Mass employment in the headlines? Europe potentially going to war because of Greenland? The price of groceries skyrocketing. Not a good sign. Anyway, I realized if the world is going to burn, I am just going to read books to stay sane. The books/manga I am currently reading are:

The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
Dune by Frank Herbert
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet
Grimm’s Fairy Tales Volume III
Monster Volume IV by Naoki Urasawa

Here are some of the books I would love to read this year. Some books I have had for a while.

My Antonia by Willa Cather
The Time Machine by H.G. Wells
The Sea Wolf by Jack London
The Call of the Wild by Jackon London
Les Misérables by Victor Hugo
Coriolanus by Shakespeare

Gaming

As for games, I went back to Demon’s Souls (Ps3). It is probably the only game I will play for the entire year. It’s a peaceful, difficult game. What can I say? I am a slow gamer. Plus, I got to make time for others things too such as gathering healthy recipes. Although sometimes it feels like work.

I finished the demo of Trails in the sky 1st chapter. It was fun!

Final Thoughts

I hope you will find some solitary moments away from this chaotic world. It’s hard to escape to video games these days when real world events feel like a circus show. I guess everyone is a star in this crazy reality T.V show.

Note: Featured image is AI generated. I am impressed that it captured the right mood for this post. The funny thing it looks like she is wearing my old reading glasses. It’s broken now.

The Left Hand of Darkness Review

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One of my favorite quotes from this book comes from the introduction of the 50th anniversary edition. The author, Ursula K. Le Guin, said,” Science Fiction is a metaphor.” Indeed, the world inside this book is entirely a metaphor. The first few chapters are not easy to read. The book starts to make sense when the author delves into detail about the Gethenians’ sexuality in Chapter 7. The Afterword by Charlie Jane Anders is also insightful. It made me view gender in a different light. I see why this book is great for gender studies and discussions.

Synoposis

Genly Ai is sent to a planet called Gethen, also known as Winter. His job is to convince the inhabitants to join an intergalactic civilization. There, he faces resistance, obstacles, and challenges from the inhabitants. They don’t understand why their planet is in danger from outside threats. With the help of Estraven, a powerful and influential lord, Genly Ai finally understands Gethenian’s worldview.

The Concept Is Interesting

I find it ironic that I went into this book because I don’t read enough books by female authors. It’s as if I have already assigned myself some stereotypical views on what I know about gender. Ursula K. Le Guin is far from typical. The way she tells the story in the Left Hand of Darkness is methodical and scientific. The story is so factual that it sounds plausible. I believe the author was building her story around a question: Have we considered what we think to be true is not influenced by the narrative of our physiology?

“Truth is a matter of the imagination. The soundest fact may fail or prevail in the style of its telling…” –Chapter 1

In this book, the author presents a concept where people experience a unique biological cycle called kemmer on an imaginary planet called Gethen. The inhabitants can shift from male to female, which make them ambisexual. It takes an insider (Estraven) to betray one’s kind to convince an entire planet to accept Genly Ai’s proposal. I can’t say, though, I enjoyed her writing style. It’s creative but not artistic.

Final Thoughts

The Left Hand of Darkness is a dense read despite only being 367 pages. I did, however, enjoy the last half of the book where the story starts to come alive. A reread of the book might make me appreciate it more. I am pretty sure I miss the little detail that helps enliven the world. Truly recommend this book for those who want a challenging read.

Memorable Road Trip in Cambodia

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During the holidays, I had a hard time picking what book I wanted to read. So, I ended up reading multiple books. I like all of the books I am currently reading. But when I read so many books at once, I get stories mixed up. Keeping a separate journal for each book might help. On top of reading, I completed the Walking Dead Definitive (Season 1-4), which I mentioned that I was playing in the Setting Realistic Goals for the New Year post. I have so much to say, but I need to give my brain a rest. And since this a new year, I want to do something different. Be more social in the blogosphere. So, I decided to participate in WordPress daily prompt: “Think back on your most memorable road trip.

cambodia flag on top of temple

In 2018, I didn’t just visit Angkor Wat in Siem Reap, the world’s largest religious complex. I also visited Battambang, Phnom Penh, Prey Veng, and Palin during my two-week trip with my family. I also brought a work friend because she loves traveling. Even my friend from Bangladesh joined in. She was courageous to travel alone, considering there was an ongoing human trafficking problem in Southeast Asia. Luckily, I did not have a bad experience. In fact, if I had listened to the media, I would have missed an amazing road trip. It ended up being one of the best experiences of my life.

What I Love Most about the Road Trip

Between the city, we saw the countryside. Somewhere in the distance, you’d see a monument just sitting on a hill. A woman sitting under a stilt house staring into space. Instead of a rest stop area, you’d find hammocks on the side of the road. You can use them if you need to rest from the brutal humid heat. Rows of gasoline in a jug for motorbikes. It was like stepping inside a different world. There’s real beauty in chaos. I found peace and solitary, staring at the landscape.

Pretty Architecture Matters

Staring at this monument near Wat Ek Phnom soothed my soul.

Sometimes, I wonder why violent histories inspired beautiful monuments. Cambodia’s history is far from peaceful. Nonetheless, magical and breathtaking compared to the U.S. In Cambodia, people are dining out in the streets. Playing with their children in the park by the river. Relaxing underneath the tree. They don’t pretend to be productive when business is slow. However, when they work, they work hard. The monuments on the hill reminded me of their good spirits. When they smile, it’s full of genuine radiance. There is a warm community unlike here in the U.S where everything is fenced in and private.

The Food Is Good

Apart from the architecture and monuments, I also like Cambodian cuisine. The food is full of flavor. Their Western dishes are also good. You can’t get it here in the U.S. because everything has a big price tag, including human labor. Likewise, the same rule applies to food. If you want to eat well, you have to spend more. You have to spend your whole paycheck at Wholefoods! Joke aside. You can eat so cheap and so well because they don’t have fast food restaurants in every block. And the best part was eating outside!

Cambodian Noodles. Oddly, it’s a breakfast meal and one I can have every day!
The best Benedict Biscuit I ever had!
A meal is never complete without vegetables!

Another point I would like to make is Cambodian’s hospitality when it comes to food. One time in Phnom Penh, my brother and I ordered food for our dad. We intended to bring it back to the hotel. We were short on change because we didn’t know how to count in riel (Cambodian currency). I was expecting to walk away empty-handed. Surprisingly, the waiter was kind enough to accept whatever change we had. He still wrapped our food nicely and did not treat us like a nuisance. If that happened in a major American city, all we would likely receive is a simple sorry–and the food would be thrown in the dumpster.

Final Thoughts

In the two-week period, we saw a lot. We were planning to visit Koh Rong. However, I was very tired from traveling from city to city. We stayed in Phnom Penh the remainder of our trip. Out of the cities, I like Battambang and Palin the most. That is because I like lesser-known places. Also, the best place to eat wasn’t in those fancy Western restaurants. It was one of those shack-like places that serve the best food and tea! Sometimes you can’t put a price on quality food because it has to come from the heart. Likewise, we can’t learn to appreciate life if we are not a little hungry and a little uncomfortable. The trip to Cambodia did change me, but in a good way. Next time I visit Cambodia, I hope to visit Preah-Vihear.

Germinal: A Book Review

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gloomy miners

Do you know what it is like to be unemployed at 21? And then, when you finally find employment, you realize you’re overworked and underpaid. You barely make ends meet because you have bills to pay. You bite your tongue and go to work anyway. By the end of the day, you are so exhausted. Rinse, repeat, and start all over again the next day. It’s a recipe for depression when you don’t have time to improve your skills and take care of yourself. It also doesn’t help when social media amplify how far behind you are compared to your peers. Some people are just more luckier in life than others. It’s a different type of stress. But can you imagine being broke, cold, and starving?

Homeless and out of work, he had only one thing on his vacant mind: the hope that the cold would be less severe once day had broken (Chapter 1).

In this book, Germinal by Émile Zola, we follow the journey of a young miner named Étienne Lantier. He leads a protest for a better quality of life for his coal-mine comrades.

Synopsis

Étienne is a former mechanic who found work at the Le Voreux mine in Northern France as a miner. He became exceptionally skilled at his job, but he was not content. All around him, he saw the horrendous, poor working conditions of his comrades. It wasn’t just working conditions that were awful. There was no future or hope for a better standard of living. Many families worked in the coal mines for generations. When the mining company starts to cut wages, the miners begin to feel the blow. How can anyone work with an empty belly? It makes sense to revolt.

What Stood Out to Me from this Book

Certain events don’t just happen randomly or overnight. It’s something that has been germinating underground. When it can no longer contain itself, it erupts. The miners are cold and starving. All they want is some bread. However, Mme Hennebeau, the spouse of the coal mine owner, fails to understand their situation. She said, “So they’re on strike. Well, what’s that to us?… We’ve still got to eat, haven’t we (P.202)?” Of course, there is something to do with her. The miners toil in the coal mines with empty stomachs. They can no longer work to provide the bourgeoisie (their employer) with a luxurious lifestyle. How can the upper class be so delusional? This book reminds me of the film Parasite by Bong Joon Ho. It’s a powerful film that highlights the contrast between the working class and the wealthy.

Final Thoughts

Of course, there is more to this book, but I want to keep it light and nonpolitical. The writing style isn’t flowery, but romantic enough to lighten up the prose. It is a dramatic book filled with human compassion and love. It’s also a book about hope and, at the same time, hypocrisy. Étienne leads a protest to revolt against the bourgeoisie. Along the way, he realizes he is becoming one of them. He starts to see himself above the miners. This poses a lot of questions. Revolution is not an easy task, and the aftermath is not always as pretty as envisioned.

Rediscovering White Fang: A Review

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I am feeling nostalgia for simpler days. So, I purchased a used copy of White Fang by Jack London at the local bookstore. I found it while I was browsing books for fun. It’s one of the books my 4th-grade teacher read to us. At the time, I couldn’t appreciate it like every other coming-of-age book. I remember thinking why is our teacher reading this boring book to us? Most of us fell asleep at our desk. Me? I was staring outside the window. Now that I am around her age, I think I understand why she picked this book. She was trying to civilize us wild schoolchildren and it worked like magic!

Anyway, the book is so good. It fell apart midway through as I was reading it. Okay, I confess, that’s half the truth. The book was already in poor condition when I bought it. On the back of the book, there is a coffee stain! But for $1.50, I cannot resist. I also like the book’s cover. It looks old-fashioned. The large print is also appealing. After all, a book is less valuable if it’s just on the bookshelf as decor. Books are meant to be explored and read.

White Fang on top of other books and pink pen next to it

Synoposis

White Fang is a wolf, but is also a quarter dog. This makes him a special creature. He is wild but also domesticated. Thus he has an advantage over purebred dogs and wolves. His hybrid breeding enables him to navigate the harsh Yukon environment, and the brutality of the man-gods (humans) he encounters.  As he goes through different man-gods, White Fang comes to civilization once he meets the rightful one. The rightful one is just, fair, compassionate, and strong.

Writing Style

I was instantly captivated by the writing style. The prose is so poetic. The first paragraph of the book throws me into the cold wilderness. I feel it:

The land itself was a desolation, lifeless, without movement, so lone and cold that the spirit of it was not even that of sadness.

I also like how the author describes the wild as a frozen-hearted savage. It’s the perfect stage where dog eats dog to survive. The writing is so intense that I felt as if I were in the book!

There were a few things, however, I did not enjoy about the book. It was more of a personal thing, though. After all, the book was published in 1906. Time has changed. Perhaps, not always for the better for some folks, but regardless, time has changed. I don’t know how I’d feel living inside a white picket fence governed by a self-righteous man-god. I would find it difficult, especially when he is unfairly transactional.

Final Thoughts

Overall, it’s a great book, but one that feels foreign to me now, and yet familiar. It’s a weird feeling that I cannot describe. It’s comforting; at the same time, alienating. I guess being an adult means learning how to think for oneself. We are all shaped by our environment.

Setting Realistic Goals for the New Year

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Every year, I like to challenge myself by setting a goal. Normally, I set small achievable goals. But I never set small goals to achieve bigger goals. I want to do that for next year. My blog has been stagnant and small for quite some time. But that’s all right. I am still blogging all these years despite my “failure”. After all, my greatest motivation is my passion! I also have some personal goals I would love to achieve apart from this blog’s growth. I hope you will join me!

Reading Goal

I started The Left Hand of Darkness at the beginning of this year, but had to put it aside. I was waiting for that moment to be wowed. I heard it’s a great classic science fiction. I want to give the book another chance. However, that wasn’t the real reason why I picked it up. I don’t think I read enough books by female authors. I just happened to remember this book. A couple of years ago, a coworker said Ursula Le Guin is ahead of her time. Jotting down notes as I read would probably help me sort out this difficult book. I am already halfway. This will be one of my goals for next year.

Another book I plan to read next year is Dune by Frank Herbert. I have not seen the movie. What inspired me to read the book was actually from playing the Bookwalker, ironically. In the game, there is a book called the Heart of Sand. I was interested in its world-building. As the game was starting to build momentum, the game ended short.

game inspires my reading goal
The lack of gameplay in this game inspires me to pick up a book instead.

I love reading, but oddly, it makes me melancholic when I think too deeply. So I have to balance it out with gaming. That’s why I don’t mind playing silly games or simple puzzle games. I don’t always want to think abstractly unless there’s humor in it. Gaming helps me live a little when life is already so serious.

Gaming Goal

Sometimes, I feel like a kid in a candy store, getting all excited with so many cool games. Then I exhausted myself mentally on what to play. So my goal for next year is to stay focused on the games I already have in my Steam library. However, I did get sidetracked by all the demos out there. I tried Trails in the Sky: First Chapter, Rosewater, and Unicorn Overlord. They are all fun! Out of the demos, I’ve been enjoying the Trails in the Sky: First Chapter demo immensely. I have been wanting to play the series for a long time, but I shy away because of its length. I am certain that I am going to love the entire game. It has that JRPG charm.

Characters defining what a bracer does
I am always up for a feel-good type of game. The soundtrack is also pretty catchy!

I play demos as if I am trying food at the buffet. But my main course meal is Walking Dead Definitive Edition. I am on Season 2, episode 2. Been enjoying the game as well! I also plan to play.Hack//G.U. Last Recode. I am feeling nostalgia. A good laugh is the greatest medication in this chaotic world, but food is also important!

Cooking Goal

Planning meals has always been a struggle for me since food is not the first thing on my mind. I came to realize that cooking healthy meals requires some special attention. When I go out, there are not many healthy options to pick from for a quick meal. So I just eat apples and bananas. Fruits alone are not a balanced diet. So I have learn how to be more creative. I have been hunting down recipes online. I don’t expect myself to be a great cook overnight. But I do think finding good recipes is a good start. Practice makes perfect, and who doesn’t love food? The only issue with watching so many cooking channels on YouTube is that I ended up not cooking anything extravagant! An egg sandwich is quick and easy enough for me.

cooking goal to make sandwhiches
I came a long way from burnt toast! That I can boast!

Final Thoughts

These goals are challenging to me because they require me to focus. I pick challenging goals and things I am not so good at for a reason. We can’t grow and build resistance if we are complacent. For example, I am skilled at action-adventure games but not RPGs (strategic turn-based games). I read mainly classics, but have not read many science fiction books. I can cook breakfast meals, but I’d like to learn how to cook a fancy dinner. So, yeah, I purposely challenge myself. It makes life more interesting, and it humbles me. After all, a healthy mind makes the world a better place.

I hope this blog post inspires you in whatever goal you have next year. Whether it is small or big, I hope you achieve it!

Thoughts on Social Media Dilemma

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First off, I want to mention I have an Instagram account and an abandoned Twitter (X) account. I am sure if I remain on it for too long, it would give me a mental breakdown. A ❤️ notification can light up someone’s day. Not enough of it–can break someone. This is especially true when they post something from their ❤️.

I watched this documentary (more like listened to it) while I was working. It was insightful and terrifying. The sound effects made the future seem ominous. Out-of-control AIs will overrun the internet. To save our sanity, we must delete and unplug our social media accounts for our mental health’s sake.

Let’s be frank, we are accustomed to comparing with one another, and tech companies know that. I feel terrible at times using it, even though I like to think I have a solid self-esteem. I started to wonder what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I feel a connection with these people even though I sometimes I agree with them? Maybe it was designed to be that way. It’s as if it knew that I can be competitive deep down. I feel this way when my ego is being stepped on. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . I don’t know. It didn’t make me feel good so I ended up talking to a teddy bear instead.

Now combined that knowledge with the money-making system, social media. This combination makes social media seem rather twisted. It’s alive because it’s driven by people’s clicks and likes. It’s like the movie, The Cube (1997). A bunch of people with different viewpoints are trapped inside a puzzle box. The only difference between the Cube (TV) and Social Media is that it’s 10 times worse! Not only are we watching TV, but the TV is watching us. Soon, we ended up buying or doing things based on what we were exposed to on the platform. To me, it feels like a gigantic billboard ad. I often wonder how I ended up with so many notebooks/journals after watching several influencers advertising it?

Overall, the documentary is quite educational. I am glad I watched it. For me personally, limiting oneself from using any technology-related product is impossible. This is especially true for those who live alone and/or who want to promote their business. For example, I find it hypocritical to advertise products that reduce digital consumption on social media platforms. How did I learned about these alternative activities in the first place? Social Media! I am just glad there are some rules and regulations set in place. If it’s making adults all jittery, I can only imagine the damage it has done to the most vulnerable.

Note: Originally posted on Sept 17, 2020; revised Nov. 24,2025.

Reevaluating Strength in Gaming and Media

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I realize representations in media do matter very much. If I had to choose a video game character I resemble most, it would be Elena from Pandora Tower. She has some form of disability but she makes it up with emotional strength and intelligence. However, the average people assume she is just a silent object. They also think she is just a support role. I never thought of her as a silent object. I thought she was pretty strong, and she has her own agenda–like saving the world using soft power. Maybe it’s time for people to reevaluate what strength means, especially in mainstream video games.

I noticed the discrimination when playing multiplayer games many years ago. I was playing DCUO. Somehow I ended up playing a support/buffer role. I felt smothered so I ventured off alone. Ever since, I have a hard time connecting with my peers.  Finding a group of passionate gamers, especially female players who appreciate games for their creativity and aesthetic is hard. It felt more alienating because I don’t play to win, and I don’t like being rough like the boys. Speed run and rank never meant anything to me in video games. I only care about them if I’m working on a trophy. I see video games as an entertaining art form, not to be conquered or won.

I Realized My Own Biases

During those years, playing games by myself made me realized something important. I once fell into the misconception that being female meant being the weaker sex. This was based on how people treated me in person. Well, looking back, I was considered small for my size. It’s hard to have confidence when you know your size can get eaten by a wolf. Yet, the “weaker sex” has nothing to do with intelligence. Intelligence is just another form of strength. And liking a certain type of game doesn’t show superiority. One is more relationship-based than strategy-based. That’s all there is to it.

“Women love romance-related content. It’s nothing new.”- from √Letter

√Letter Visual Novel for PS4
I disagree with the quote above. Growing up, I used to ask myself why I am not feminine enough. I spent a lot of my youth watching martial arts movies and T.V. series from Hong Kong.

Final Thoughts

I have considered other platforms. However, I like blogging the most, small as it may be. It’s quiet and it allows me to be reflective. I also learn more through reading–especially when it comes to exchanging information. It’s a form of creative expression to me, and I wish more gamers would blog than vlog or stream. You’d be surprised how much we’d learn about ourselves when we all take the time to think before we speak.

Note: Originally published 21, 2021; Revised November 18, 2025.

Breaking Down for the Better

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Disclaimer: Post includes spoilers.

According to the heroine in the Monster, Nina Fortner, “The tree that bends doesn’t break (p. 230)”, when ironically this entire volume (chapter 1-16) is all about Dr. Tenma, a talented neurosurgeon, breaking down. He couldn’t shake the thought that all human lives are not equal. And that a doctor’s job is more than just saving lives (p. 172). He’s a good a doctor, and one that many can trust.

But when politics are thrown into the mix, it complicates his job. What would you do if your boss says someone’s life is more valuable based on their social status? Do you follow your boss blindly to get the promotion? Or do you listen to your conscience and question your superior? What if you listen to your conscience, but then it backfires? This is what happened to Dr. Tenma.

Dr. Tenma breaking down in tears
If we can’t bend, we break

He saved the life of a child nine years ago. At the time, he thought he was performing his duty as a good doctor. But it turns out that the nine year old boy is a serial killer. Does he still think all lives have equal value? That’s a hard question.

This type of question is what got me hooked with the anime, although so far, the manga is better. I’m picking up important cues that I didn’t even know existed. I see more clearly what type of story Naoki Urasawa is trying to tell. These intriguing moral questions do make me think. It makes me think about the holocaust. How did one person motivated the mass to commit crime against their will?

Have you seen the anime? Have you read the manga? Stay tuned for my thoughts on volume 2.

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